The Battle in Me
by raezura
Summary: Shepard is forced to deal with the traumatic emotional consequences of the war while Liara attempts to be the one to break down the barriers in order to help her lover.
1. Chapter 1

AN: I have made some changes to the ending canon to make this story work better. You'll recognize it when you see it. Thanks to Punslinger for beta-reading and general awesomeness. Most of the respective characters and locations are copyright of Bioware.

Humanity had always assigned deeper meaning to colors. Green, the color of plant life needed to survive, was always used to represent the good side. Red, the color of spilt blood, represented the bad. But no color had greater meaning to the human race than the color white. White. The color of something untouched and unharmed by the dark evils of the universe. A fresh sheet of white paper acting as a blank slate. A virginal bride in her white wedding gown walking down the aisle. A movie hero outfitted in white as he fought against the villain. These were images that humanity clung to in their greatest moments of weakness. The color white gave them hope.

_Then why_, Shepard wondered, _was the color so blinding to her now instead of being inspiring?_ The white of her hospital room was suffocating. That, combined with the fact that her injuries from the Citadel battle were far too grievous for her to move from her bed, had creating an atmosphere that was making her insane. The room was bare except for a bed and a vast number of machines, all which were hooked up to her through various tubes and were there for the sheer purpose of being kept alive. A little _too _similar to the purpose of the Cerberus implants in her body. Shepard smirked, which quickly turned into a grimace when the movement of her face pulled at the stiches on her cheek and inside her mouth.

She had first awoken at hastily assembled war hospital located on Earth just outside of New York City. She hadn't been anywhere near her home city since leaving for boot camp at 18. Shepard had laughed, a laugh restricted by a punctured lung but a laugh nonetheless, when they told her where she was. She remembered telling her probation officer that she wouldn't come back to this shithole of a city unless it was in a body bag. Close but no cigar. The laughter immediately stopped when the assembled team of doctors and surgeons began to relay her injuries; numerous broken bones, bruises, scrapes, lacerations, internal pleading, a punctured lung, severe burns, a concussion, and fragmented armor in embedded her skin. But worst of all was the fact that her pistol had fused to her hand in the heat of the explosions. The initial surgeries had taken over 30 hours of tireless just to put her into a stable condition.

But soon after her physical injuries were taken care of, the doctors began talking about mental injuries. Every time a nurse came in to check on her, the topic of PTSD would be brought up. And every time Shepard managed to deflect it. She had grown up on the streets then moved to a gang before finally becoming a marine. None of those situations allowed for the contemplation of feelings or an unguarded heart. Every emotion was discarded, pushed down until the person that had felt it was either left with numbness or anger in its place. That had been all Shepard had known until she had met Liara.

Liara. Shepard smiled, gently this time to avoid causing herself further pain. She wanted nothing more than to have her bondmate at her side right now. To hold the woman that she almost lost. To kiss her and to reassure her that they would never be separated again. But she had been informed that the mass relays had been destroyed along with the Reapers and transportation was difficult. Communication was also close to impossible with the number of working lines of communication significantly reduced and everyone in the galaxy trying to use them. One of her regular nurses, a young human woman, had assured her that the hospital was doing everything within their ability to try to contact the Normandy.

That same nurse entered the room a few moments later. With her was another woman, much older than the nurse.

"Good morning Commander. Did you sleep well?" the nurse asked.

"As well as I possibly could like this."

The nurse laughed, a bit nervously though. Shepard had noticed that despite the fact that she had been at the hospital for close to two weeks, the hospital's staff never lost their nervous attitude towards her. She had forgotten what it was like to not have the casual respect of her crew around her at all times.

"I'm going to just update your charts," the nurse said. "But while I do that I'd like to introduce you to Dr. Casey. She's a psychologist who specializes in military related PTSD."

"It's an honor to meet you Commander," Dr. Casey said, extending her hand for Shepard to shake. The red-haired commander took it and shook.

"Listen Dr. Casey," Shepard started. "I've already told the staff that I'm not interested in receiving any psychiatric care. Of any kind. So while I appreciate your concern, it really won't be necessary."

"Can I ask why you believe that?"

Shepard was momentarily speechless. First of all, she wasn't used to anyone questioning her after she had made her decision. At least from those that weren't her friends. And even then her commands and wishes were final. Secondly, she had no idea how to go about making it clear to the doctor that she could deal with her own emotions as she had been doing since she was a child. And quite successfully she might add. "I don't need it," she finally said, cursing herself for her lack of eloquence.

The doctor's frowned, her brow creasing with concern. "Are you sure? PTSD is a legitimate concern for any post-combat solider, most of who have experienced far less than you have."

"I understand that" stated Shepard, her patience beginning to wear a little thin. "But I've seen other soldiers with PTSD. I don't act like they did."

"Not at all? No irritability, insomnia, feelings of depression, nightmares-"

"No." Shepard winced. She had answered far too fast. She _had _been having nightmares. Horrible nightmares. Some nights she relived horrible moments in her life; dying in the Normandy explosion, seeing her first girlfriend shot during a police battle against the 10th Street Reds, seeing Mordin die before her eyes in the shroud explosion, watching Kai Leng stab Thane. Other nights her mind created its own scenarios, mostly involving her watching her friends die in front of her, unable to remember them. She couldn't remember her last time sleeping without them present. Shepard glanced up at Dr. Casey to see if she had noticed.

If she had, she wasn't letting her face betray anything. "Alright. If you change your mind about seeing more or want any more information, just ask your nurse here to contact me." And with that Dr. Casey left the room.

The nurse looked up from the machines and smiled gently. "Is there anything you need, Commander? I know we have some books around here somewhere if you'd like something to read to pass the time. I could bring them with your lunch later."

Shepard shook her head. She had never been one for reading and the idea of trying to focus on a book now seemed impossible. "That won't be necessary. Thank you though."

"Your condition is looking good. All the numbers indicate stability and you're making vast improvements every day. It's incredible, really." the nurse said, her excitement growing. "I've never seen a recovery at this speed before! It's almost like your some sort of superhu-"

Just then the door to the Commander's room flew open, sparing her from having to explain to the nurse about her terrorist ties and their role in her healing process. Standing in the entryway was a young man with dark brown hair. Shepard had watched him running throughout the halls from her bed, delivering messages to the doctors and nurses. "Mara," he said, addressing the nurse, "We've finally made contact with the Normandy. Or, well, what's left of it."

"What's left of it? What do you mean?" Shepard shouted. _Oh God. Please don't let them be dead. Please. Please let them be safe._

"The Normandy was apparently hit by part of the explosion by the Crucible. They were forced to land on a planet in the Annos Basin. At least, that's what the pilot told me."

_Joker was alive. Thank God. _"And the others? Did he say who else was alive?"

"He said for the most part the crew was fine. They had lost a few but that was it."

"Did he say who?"

"Most were support crew members. And for some reason he mentioned the AI core too, although I'm not sure why."

_EDI was dead? _Shepard's mind immediately flashed back to the memory of the child at the Catalyst telling her about how choosing to destroy the reapers would result in the destruction of anything containing Reaper tech. She had ignored him, so focused on the possibility of finally finishing her mission, of obliterating the threat that loomed over the galaxy. She had never considered the consequences, had never thought about how it would affect those she cared about.

Suddenly felt a hand on her shoulder, shaking her from her thoughts. "Shepard are you alright?" the nurse cried.

Shepard slowly reached her injured right hand up to her face and felt tears sliding down her cheeks. She quickly brushed them away before inhaling deeply. "I-I'm okay. Are they able to get transport?"

The messenger nodded. "With the mass relays down it will take a lot longer than normal for them to get here. But the hospital has arranged for a high-fuel capacity transport to bring them here at their request."

Kara nodded. "Thank you Connor. Is that all?"

Connor scratched his head before speaking again. "Oh yeah, the pilot told me that someone…um…Liara, wanted to tell you that she was counting on you to get better so you could fulfill your three promises to her. I don't know what that means and he didn't either but I guess you do."

She made a noise in the back of her throat, a mixture of a laugh and a sob. The promises; marriage, old age, and lots of little blue children. Once a hopeful fantasy, it was now a checklist for the rest of her and Liara's life together. "Yeah. Yeah I do." She then turned to the nurse. "Would it be alright if I was left alone for a while?"

Checking her watch, Kara gave a nod. "It will be once I give you your medicine."

Shepard froze. "That's not the stuff that has to make me sleep in order for it to work, is it?"

"The very same. Why?"

Shepard quickly weighed her options. She could tell the nurse the truth; that the sleeping medication forced her to experience horrid nightmares for hours on end and wouldn't let her wake up until 14 or 15 hours later. But that would lead to Dr. Casey or another psychologist coming back and insisting on poking around her brain and trying to make her talk about her emotions. Or she could lie. She chose that.

"I'm not a fan of losing all of those hours to sleep, really. I just feel like I missed a lot of my life with the war going on and I want to experience as much of it as possible." _Cheesy as hell but it could work_.

And work it did. Kara smiled. "Understandable. Though I can assure you that life is much more enjoyable when you're well-rested." She pulled out a syringe with a long needle attached and a vial of thick green liquid. She pushed the needle into the vial, drawing the liquid into the syringe. "Are you ready?"

"As ready as I'll ever be for that monstrosity."

Kara chuckled as she took the Commander's arm and plunged the needle into a patch of undamaged skin near the elbow. "That's a new word to describe it. I rather like it. Now sleep tight. When you wake up just give me a shout."

Shepard quickly began to slip into unconscious. The medicine was quite fast acting. _I am tired. Maybe I can deal with the nightmares this time. I'm an N7 marine. I shouldn't be afraid of something in my imagination. _And with that she fell asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Thank you for the positive response to the first chapter! I was worried about writing for a new fandom but that's all gone now. Also thanks to Punslinger for being my wonderful beta. Enjoy!

* * *

_Shepard had only seen two kinds of night skies in her life. The first was the sky that she had seen as a young girl growing up the streets of New York. That sky was a light grey with only the brightest stars managing to shine against the light of the city. The second was the sky that she saw from her room on the Normandy; the darkest of black and filled with more stars than one could count in a lifetime. But the sky above her fit neither of these descriptions or any in between._

_This sky was the color of blood._

_She knew she was dreaming. She had to be._

_Shepard forced herself to tear her eyes away from the sky. She tried to raise her left hand to her face to brush her hair aside but ended up crying out in pain. She looked down and was greeted by the sight of her shredded body, her skin barely visible through the blood and gore. It took all of her self-control to avoid screaming out in shock. Shepard squeezed her eyes tights and tried to slow her breathing. She knew that if she didn't get up she would die her. And nothing was a greater motivator than the sense of impending doom_

_With immense focus she began to push herself off the ground. Every nerve in her body began to scream with pain but Shepard ignored it and kept pushing. Soon she was sitting up. With her left hand Shepard grabbed her right side and began to stand. Her legs were wobbly and the pain radiating from her right leg suggested that it was broken. But still she continued, paying no attention to the tears streaming down her face and mixing with the blood, sweat, and ash on her cheeks._

_When Shepard was finally on both feet she scanned her surroundings. The ruins of the Citadel towered over her, jagged edges jutting into the sky. The only light on the remains of the battlefield came from the occasional fire. And the only color came from the blood on the ground. Everything else, be it organic or synthetic, was burnt to a dark ash._

_Suddenly, a speck appeared on the horizon; bright, glowing. And it was coming towards her at an alarming speed._

_But she barely had time to react before the mysterious object was directly in front of her._

_A voice came from the object. "Shepard?" It was feminine and slightly mechanical sounding. And incredibly familiar._

"_EDI?"_

_The AI's orange eyes glowed as she smiled. "I am glad to see that you are alive Shepard. The Normandy had already taken on an extensive amount of casualties. It is a relief that you were not another."_

_Shepard began to respond but suddenly something drew her attention away from EDI. In her right hand was a pistol, her trusty Predator. She watched in horror as her index finger began extending and wrapped itself around the trigger._

_EDI continued talking, delving further into the specific mechanical details of the Normandy's destruction and crash. She failed to notice the Commander's movements._

_Shepard felt her thumb began to creep for the safety on the side of the gun. She tuned out the AI, instead focusing all of her will on stopping herself. But no matter what how hard she concentrated her hand did not stop moving. She heard the safety click off._

_Slowly, her injured arm began to raise the Predator towards the chattering synthetic woman. Her mind was screaming. She tried to open her mouth but it refused to budge. She tried to move another part of her body or to make any sort of noise to draw EDI's attention but her efforts were futile._

_When her finger pulled the trigger, it was if time itself slowed down. Shepard could see the bullet leave the barrel of her gun along with the explosion of sparks that accompanied it. Her eyes followed the short path as it approached the synthetic woman's head. When the bullet was just inches away from EDI's forehead, she suddenly looked up and realized her fate. Her eyes caught Shepard, filled with a combination of fear, surprise, anger, sadness, and at last, confusion._

_Before the bullet ripped through the thick metal coating of the AI's artificial body and lodged itself in her cerebral processing core, EDI uttered one haunting word, "Why?"_

* * *

Shepard awoke, a scream caught in her throat. She quickly looked around, trying to convince herself that she was still in the hospital room, not on Earth. Her surroundings were the same as when she had fallen asleep hours ago but darkness had fallen over the room. _How long have I been asleep?_ Shepard asked herself.

She put her hand to her forehead, trying to calm the rapidly approaching headache that always followed her nightmares. Glancing to her side, Shepard took in the various monitors as she searched for the one that displayed her heart rate. It was easy to find as it was rapidly flashing; her heart rate was much faster than it felt. In fact, just a few more beats per minute and an alarm would go off, alerting the nurses and bringing them to her side. _Shit shit shit._Shepard focused on her breathing, trying to push all remnants of the dream out of her head. She inhaled deeply, filling her lungs with air and exhaling with equal force. Gradually, her heart rate slowed to a normal rate.

As she finished her breathing, her door opened and the overhead light came to life. "Shepard?" her nurse Kara called out.

One last deep breath. "I'm awake," Shepard replied, her voice still husky from sleep. "How long was I out?

"About thirty hours. Which means that it's time to change your bandages."

Shepard winced. She had faced incredible amounts of pain in her life from injuries sustained in battle, both gang related and military. She had the scars to prove it. But getting the dressings changed on her burnt and shredded skin was definitely had a place her top five most painful experiences.

Kara saw the Commander's expression and smiled compassionately. "I know it's not the most pleasant experience in the world. But if we don't change your bandages everything will get infected. And that's a much worse experience. Trust me, I've seen it happen. Not pleasant. Besides, I have news from the Normandy crew that you will probably be interested in."

"Tell me," Shepard demanded.

Her nurse smiled mischievously. "Not until you let me change your bandages. Make my job easier and I'll tell you the news.

"No one told me there would be an ultimatum," Shepard glowered.

"Ultimatums make unruly patients cooperative. One might say that they are an essential part of a nurse's tool kit," Kara shot back. "Now sit up please."

Shepard gave a quick sigh as she propped herself up with her elbow and pushed herself up with her other bandaged hand. She noticed that there was less of a strain on her ribs then there had been yesterday. A good enough sign.

She felt hands on her back as Kara searched for the end of one bandage. "Ah, got it," she cried victoriously .The pain was instantly intense, close to unbearable and the dressing was pulled away from her burnt flesh. Shepard's teeth dug into her lip with such force that she began to taste blood.

"So," she said with gritted teeth. "I followed through with your part of the deal, if you could call it that. What is this news you're holding over my hand?"

"If I would tell you now you would bolt out of the room, bandages trailing behind. So I can't give you all the details. But it is good news. Something we all need a little bit of. Now sit still so I can finish."

For forty more minutes Shepard sat on her bed, enduring the constant pain of her skin literally be torn off and then when some sort of gel was applied to her open wounds which hurt more than the bandages being removed. Just when she thought she couldn't take any more, fresh wrappings were applied, grazing her tender skin with just enough pressure to make the pain flare up again.

Finally, she was done.

"Are you ready for the news?" Kara asked as she handed Shepard a few pain pills and a glass of water.

Shepard popped the pills in her mouth and took a swig of water before nodding.

"You sure?" Again that mischievous smile.

Before Shepard could snap something back, Kara had disappeared out of the room and had closed the door behind her. She could hear the nurse's shoes clattering down the hospital hallway but soon lost the sound. The silence was filled moments later by many more footsteps coming towards her. It sounded like there were several people walking. As she listened more closely, she heard a slower set a footsteps accompanied by two tapping noises. Lastly she detected a fast sound of steps. So fast that the person must be running.

There was a rapid knock on her door followed by an aggressive rattling of the door knob. Someone, Kara, was saying something, her voice muffled by the door. "…let me…the door," was all that Shepard could make out. There was a reply but that was too quiet.

The sound of a key rattling in lock rang through the room. There was a clicking sound which was followed by the door flying open.

"Shepard?"

She had to rub her eyes, just to assure herself that the woman standing in front of her was real. And indeed she was. Dr. Liara T'Soni stood at the foot of her bed. Her white armor was filthy and broken in some parts and her cape was shredded. Her usually flawless blue skin was scraped and her arm was in a sling.

Shepard was barely able to get the name out before breaking down "L-Liara…"

The asari had the Commander in her arms in less than half a second. Their lips found each other as they desperately groped one another to close the small, but unbearable distance between them. Liara moved her hand up to Shepard's hair and threaded her long fingers though the red hair, eliciting a gasp of pain from Shepard. The asari pulled away immediately.

"I'm so sorry! I didn't realize how badly you were hurt," Liara apologized. "By the Goddess Shepard you look…"

"Like shit?" Shepard said with a weak grin. Liara giggled.

"I was going to say beautiful. "

"Flatterer."

Again Liara laughed and leaned back in to give her lover a gentle kiss on the lips. But before their mouths touched, the sound of someone clearing their throat filled the room.

"As much as I enjoy a touching reunion Liara, the rest of us came to see Shepard as well," Garrus said, his mandibles twitching with amusement.

The couple pulled apart, both blushing furiously.

"Still ugly as ever Garrus." Shepard shot back.

"Those bandages on your face suggest you'll be joining the club," Garrus replied.

"Oh please you two," sighed Tali. "You both come face-to-face with death and you come back acting like children." She bent over the hospital bed and gave Shepard a hug. "I'm so glad that you're alive. When the hospital first made contact with us they refused to tell us how you were doing. We were all pretty worried."

"That's what Kara, my nurse said. She had talked to Joker but I guess she didn't say much."

"Confidentiality?" Liara suggested.

"Or trying to protect us if something had gone wrong," Garrus said. The crew paused for a moment uncomfortably to consider this.

"Speaking of Joker," Shepard started. "Where is he?"

"You called?" All turned to see the pilot standing in the doorway, leaning on a pair of worn-out crutches. His trademark grin spread across his face when his eyes made contact with Shepard's. The moment she saw it, she broke.

His eyes. His eyes were dead, all previous traces of his jovial nature gone.

It was at that moment that Shepard learned that a person didn't have to stop breathing in order to die.


	3. Chapter 3

Thanks again to Punslinger for betaing and to all of my readers for sticking with this story. If you enjoyed it or if you have any criticism or ideas on how to make my story or writing better, please leave a review!

* * *

There were phrases that Shepard's standard translator could not convert into another language; idioms, colloquialisms, or even the odd pop culture reference. But this time, it didn't matter how many languages her translator made available to her. There was no possible way, in any language, to tell Joker the truth of what she had done. Shepard saw her friend stand in front of her, trying to put on a brave, happy face despite his pain. A pain she had inflicted.

For once, the great, eloquent Commander Shepard was speechless.

"I know I might not be at the top of your 'Most Likely to Survive' list, but you can at least try to look to look like you're _not_ surprised to see me," Joker laughed weakly. "Or, y'know, happy."

She managed to muster up a smile. "Sorry. Just…tired is all. It's good to see you."

"That's it? Good? Great would be a better word. Actually I would go for absolutely fantastic myself but-"

"Oh please Joker," Tali groaned before dissolving into laughter.

"Glad to see that near-death experiences don't mar your sense of humor," said Garrus.

The smile on the Joker's face fluttered at the turian's words, so subtly that none of the other crew members seemed to catch it. Except for Shepard. Their eyes briefly made contact, his eyes widening at sight of the concern in hers. A concern that she had successfully masked in origin, but concern all the same.

"So is anyone else here?" she asked, attempting to change the subject as quickly as possible.

Garrus nodded. "Chakwas was one of the hardest hit so she's in recovery along with a few of the support crew. Kaidan and Vega were the most vocal about wanting to come in to see you too but your nurse here insisted that we keep the group small."

Kara smiled. "Judging by how many people tried to worm their way here I think you're going to be one popular lady once you're released."

"Speaking of which…" Shepard started.

"Dr. Casey has a check on your healing process scheduled for tomorrow. And judging by the speed that your injuries have healed, you should be ready to release. Provided you promise to take it easy."

"And what does that entail?" the Commander asked.

"No combat of any sort, no drinking, no fast movements," Kara said, counting the individual restrictions off on her gloved fingers. "No heavy lifting. No drinking. And no," she chuckled as she glanced at Shepard and Liara's clasped hands. "Vigorous sex. Or any kind of sex, that is. At least until all of your external wounds have healed."

Both members of the couple blushed. "Sorry," Kara quickly apologized. "It has to be said. _Some _people are less then mature about it though." Her last sentence was directed at Joker, who been snickering at the situation. But once again, Shepard could see the pain in his eyes.

She needed to talk to him. Now.

Shepard faked a large yawn. "I'm sorry to kick you guys out so soon but-"

"We get it sweetie," Liara said, leaning over to kiss her lover on her bandaged head. "You're tired. Understandable after your last week."

"Take care Shepard. We'll be back later," Garrus said as he helped Tali to her feet and put an arm around her waist.

"Feel better," Tali said, her glowing eyes crinkling into a smile behind her mask. "Come on Joker. Let's leave her be."

"Actually," Shepard spoke up. "I want to talk to Joker. Alone. If it's okay with him, that is."

He nodded. "Yeah, sure. If you guys could, um…"

"Of course. We'll leave you two be," Liara said, standing up quickly from the hospital bed.

"Call for me if you need anything," Kara called back as she made her wait out the door with the others.

Shepard nodded and waited until she heard the door shut behind everyone before she spoke again. "The nurse told me about the wreck."

Joker gave a cocky grin as he collapsed into the plastic chair next to her bed, leaning his crutches against the wall. "It wasn't anything I couldn't handle. A few evasive maneuvers here, a couple of strategic movements there-"

"She told me about EDI."

He stared at her for a moment, eyes unmoving yet betraying every emotion that crossed his mind. They flashed through anger, fear, resentment, and frustration before finally landing on such a raw form of grief that Shepard found it difficult to maintain eye contact with the pilot. But she had to. She had to stay strong, to support her friend in his time of loss. And to cover up her own participation in his lover's death.

Shepard plunged her teeth into her bottom lip as if to punish herself for thinking such a thing. She couldn't believe what had just crossed her mind. _But it was true._ She had killed an entire race, one that she had helped to end a centuries old conflict with Quarians just weeks before. She had killed one of her closest friends, the very soul of the Normandy. And she wanted nothing more than to distance herself from their deaths. Even if that meant lying to herself and everyone she knew.

"It was so sudden," Joker said solemnly. The contrast of his voice to his usual demeanor was shocking. "She was right next to me in the cockpit. Helping me man the Normandy's controls, giving orders to the crew, managing the engines and the system core. Then I hear her call out my name and I look over and see her collapsed over the panels."

"Joker…"

"I scream and scream but she doesn't respond. Then I can't do anything to help her because I have everyone's life in my hands," he said, his voice growing louder and angrier with every word. "I couldn't save her. I saved the lives of almost everyone on that goddamn ship. Except for her. Nothing I did mattered when it came to her."

"Joker!"

"What Shepard? What are you going to possibly say? Please, enlighten me."

Shepard grew quite, shocked by the venom in her usually facetious friend. "I-I'm sorry."

"Of course you are. I wouldn't expect anything less from you. But what good does feeling sorry do? It wasn't your fault."

She exhaled deeply, squeezing her eyes shut. "Joker, I-"

"What? You what?"

"I need a drink," she sighed. "No, _we_ need a drink. Preferably a lot of them."

He looked at her quizzically for a moment before breaking down laughing. A bit painfully, Shepard had to note. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"Look Joker, you're right. Feeling sorry will do nothing. It won't bring her back and it won't eliminate your pain. It's something you have to deal with." _Can't even do it yourself but you're advising others. You fucking hypocrite. _

"But-"

"But not now. Garrus promised me drinks at the end of this war. It's time he paid up. For two."

This managed to illicit a small grin from the pilot. "Fine. But just to see Vakarian squirm when the bill comes." He grabbed at his crutches and fitted them under his arms before putting his weight on them to stand. "I'll leave you to sleep."

"You should rest too. God knows you didn't get any on the way here."

"Guilty as charged. You know me too well."

"Or just well enough."

They exchanged another smile before Joker made his way out the door. It slammed shut before launching the room in to a newfound silence. It was then and only then that Shepard let herself cry for the first time in months.

"I've never seen healing of this capacity before," Dr. Casey said, the fascination evident in his voice. He was an older man with salt and pepper hair and skin that was just beginning to show his age.

"I was in good hands," Shepard replied. _Plus some help courtesy of some terrorist technology. _But best not to mention that in unsympathetic company.

"Kara instructed you on the precautions to take, yes?"

"Yes."

"And you will follow them?" he said in way that suggested that there was no alternative.

"Yes."

"And you?" the doctor asked, this time addressing Liara standing, Shepard's bedside. "You'll make sure she follows the orders?"

Liara smiled. "Of course."

"Then I'll start writing up your release papers right away. We'll make sure that we move you under the care of Dr. Karin Chakwas. She's being released right now. Also I have your prescription here. Luckily we have a supply here so you can begin taking them immediately."

"Wait, prescription?" Shepard asked. "I was never informed about any sort of medication."

"It's a simple treatment for PTSD. It's a drug combination of an anti-psychotic and an anti-depressant that works with your natural brain chemistry in order to-"

"I don't want anything messing with my brain." Shepard's abrupt comment surprised both her doctor and Liara as well as herself. But it was the complete truth. Between the Prothean beacon, the catalyst, and Cerberus implants, she felt that she had been mentally manipulated enough. Besides, she had grown up on the streets. She had gone through one on of the most intense military training programs in the galaxy. And succeeded.

Dr. Casey looked like he was trying hard to hide his exasperation. "You have shown signs of severe combat related PTSD. Kara has filed reports with me about you crying out in your sleep, having nightmares. You've been refusing any sort of psychiatric treatment or to talk with anyone."

"Shepard is all of this true?" The concern in Liara's eyes was excruciating. Shepard took her hand from the asari's and looked away.

"It's not…it's not true!" she cried. Shepard hated how incredibly childish she was being. How irrational. It wasn't like her.

"Doctor, can we have a moment?" Liara requested. Dr. Casey nodded and slipped out of the room, closing the door tightly behind him.

Liara stared at Shepard, questions floating in her eyes. "I don't understand," she started.

"There's nothing to understand!" Shepard insisted. "I'm fine."

"You don't sound like you're fine."

"I am. It's nothing that I can't deal with myself."

Liara crossed her arms over her chest. "So there is something."

"No! I mean yes there is. But it's not that big of a deal."

"Oh really?" The unbelieving tone in her voice was evident.

"Really. Please tell me what's going on Shepard. Are you having nightmares? Was what the doctor said true?"

The Commander threw her hands in the air, exasperated. "Yes! Okay? Okay, yes I'm having nightmares. It's not-"

"A big deal, yes I know. But it _is_. You've experienced more terrible things than most can imagine. It's going to affect you."

"I've spent my whole life dealing with terrible things Liara. It's nothing new. Well the nightmares might be but I can handle them."

"Please Shepard look at me. Look at me!" Liara cried, taking the human's chin in her hand and turning her head so that it faced her own. "Goddess do you not understand how much I love you? How much it kills me to see you in any sort of pain?" Her eyes shone with unshed tears.

"Liara…" Shepard muttered. "You have to listen to me. I-"

"No," the asari said as she shook her head. "No. You need help and this doctor is willing to give it to you! And if you're not going to do it for yourself, then…" She paused, the tears finally overflowing. "Then do it for me."

Shepard began to cry, big choking sobs. She fell into Liara's outstretched arms. "Okay. Okay. I'll do it."

Liara stroked her bondmate's hair, making soothing sounds. "It's going to be alright. You'll be fine. I'll make sure of it."

"Liara, I'm not like this," Shepard gasped. "I'm not weak."

"Don't say that," Liara said sharply, pulling back from the embrace and looking Shepard in straight in her eyes. "You are the strongest person I have ever met. You will fight this. And you will win."

"But I-"

"Say it," she demanded.

"I-I will win."


	4. Chapter 4

"Who should we make the toast in honor of?" Joker asked, holding a shot glass full of Serrice ice brandy up to the artificial light of the bar for inspection.

"Joker, we're doing shots. You can't toast with shots," Garrus fired back, holding a glass in his hand, identical except for its dextro contents.

"Can too."

"Well you _can_. It just seems disrespectful to toast the memory of someone with shots.

"And why the hell is that?"

"Because their sole purpose is to get you drunk. It's not like champagne or wine or-"

"Will you two quiet down?" Shepard groaned. "I did not ask the two of you to come with me so that I could listen to stupid arguments the entire time."

"Hey, if it wasn't for the two of us you would still be back at the hotel with the rest of the crew," Joker said, his tone just short of mocking. "I say you should have to put up with our "stupid" arguments considering that."

He had a point there. After Shepard had been checked out of the hospital, the crew of the Normandy had relocated to Illium. The planet was packed with refugees but Liara had used her resources to pull some strings and get them decent enough accommodations.

Joker had decided that now was the most opportune time to take Shepard up on her offer for a drink. Which was now problematic due to her doctor's orders. She had been instructed not to consume any amount of alcohol as it would interfere with her new medication. But was she really in the position to turn him down? When he had asked her she saw the desperation in his eyes. Desperation for contact that was based in sympathy. Desperation to forget. So she said yes. She could handle one night of drinking. Then she would quit completely. Easy.

Only two people knew what her condition was; Liara and Dr. Chakwas, who had been entrusted with Shepard's care upon her release. This meant that sneaking out was required. Garrus explained to them both that they were simply going out with Shepard to see the sights, relax a little. No alcohol involved. It took some extra persuasion to get Garrus to add that part.

All in all it wasn't the greatest lie but they seemed willing to let her have one night of relaxation. Shepard had earned it as far as both Liara and the doctor were concerned.

So off to the nearest bar the three friends went. They had all planned for a low-key evening but the second they entered the bar there were different plans. The bar's patrons had recognized Shepard instantly. Suddenly there were people crowding around her; shaking her hand and thanking her. And the drinks. Every time one of them finished a drink another was instantly thrust into their hands.

After the years of doubt and disapproval she had faced the gratitude felt good. Amazing even. And all of the praise and appreciation was starting to make it hard to keep track of exactly what number round they were on.

"Fine, fine, fine," exclaimed Joker, his statement startling the Commander out of her thoughts. "No toast to a dead person then. We'll toast to someone alive. Shepard, perhaps?"

"Wait, what?" she cried.

"You're the perfect person! Not dead, so we're not 'besmirching anyone's honor'," the pilot said excitedly. "And I would say that you're recent actions are particularly toast-worthy."

"But-"

"Commander, with all due respect, but make up your goddamn mind!" he hollered, ignoring Garrus's laughter.

"The shots are getting kind of warm."

"Alright fine. Go ahead."

"To Shepard then," Garrus called, lifting his glass high into the air.

"To Shepard!" Joker cried. The Commander simply lifted her glass in response before all three tipped the contents back into their mouths before slamming them back down on the table.

"And that is why it's disrespectful to the dead," noted the Turian, gesturing with his empty glass.

"Shut up Garrus," she shot back. "Besides, did anyone else notice that those don't seem to have a kick to them anymore?"

Joker laughed. "That's because you've had at least five of them."

"I thought we were on six," Garrus said.

"Five, six. What's the difference?"

"One glass?"

"Smartass."

"Will you two stop it? We need something else here. Something stronger. Something better."

"Shepard," said the Turian, suddenly sobering up. "This stuff here is 70% proof. Besides, you're already drunk enough."

She shook her head. "Not drunk. I don't have a headache. My stomach is fine. And there is nothing wrong with my voice."

"You breath smell like a distillery."

"I don't care." She cried, trying to make her voice sound as sober as possible. Maybe trying a little too hard.

"Well," Joker started. "Liara is going to care when you climb into bed with her reeking of booze after lying to her about where you were going."

"Liara? Oh shit. Shit shit shit." Shepard moaned, laying her head down on the table with enough force to rattle the glasses on its top. "She's gonna be pissed."

"Am I the only one who's lost?" asked Garrus. "Why all the secrecy? Why did you make me lie for you? Why did you make mention that there would be no alcohol?"

She raised her head, reluctant to answer. Her diagnosis made her feel weak. And Shepard knew the image that her friends had of her; one based on strength. And she wasn't strong. Especially now. But she had to tell them something.

The Commander leaned in, making her voice as quiet as possible in the noisy bar. "The doctors at the hospital kind of freaked out. They put me on some pill. Something to do with combat related PTSD. And I'm not supposed to drink."

"Wait what?" Joker said, waving away a waitress who was approaching them with another round. He leaned in closer. "Then what the hell are we doing here Shepard?"

"Because I wanted to help you."

Garrus sensed the personal nature of the conversation that was developing in front of him. "Um, I'll go get you a cup of coffee. See if we can't sober you up a little." Upon standing he reached out to give Shepard a pat on the shoulder. She winced at his touch, overly delicate. Like she was some fragile creature.

Joker watched the Turian leave before his eyes settled back on Shepard. "That doesn't make any sense," he hissed. "How does this help me?"

"I see how you hurt," she muttered. "I didn't know else to do."

"So you thought it would do what? Make me forget that pain?"

"I don't know!" she cried, not caring about the attention she was drawing to herself. "Maybe."

Shepard was surprised when he suddenly laughed. "Well you did it. You made me forget about her. For just a few moments. Good job."

"Really?"

"Yeah, you did. But at what cost Shepard? You're hurting yourself in the process!"

She shook her head rapidly. "No. I'm fine Joker. It's just one night."

The pilot raised his eyebrow at her statement. "One night? This is really it?"

"Yeah. This is it." Shepard gave a shuddering sigh before placing her head back on the table. "I lied about my head. It hurts."

"Figured as much," said Garrus, coming back with a steaming mug of coffee and placed it before Shepard. She picked it up and took a long drink before swallowing. "We need to get you back."

"Liara's gonna hate me." Shepard muttered, ashamed of how childlike she sounded.

"She's not going to hate you. Mad at you, yes," Garrus stated. "But not hate you. Now come on, let's get you home.

"Ugh," Shepard groaned as the Turian helped her to her feet and slung her arm over his shoulder. "How are you not falling over?"

"Because we're not lightweights," Joker butted in.

"Shut up."

"Yeah, you would think a tough marine like you could handle her liquor. And to think you wanted something stronger," Garrus laughed.

Shepard opened her mouth to bite back but felt herself nodding off. She tried to keep her eyes open but ultimately failed, falling asleep as Garrus half-dragged, half-carried her out of the bar.

She awoke on an unfamiliar bed, surrounded by scattered pillows and tucked in under a thick blanket. Shepard made an attempt to sit up but was instantly overtaken with a wave of nausea. Groaning, she lay back down and began to rack her brain, trying to figure out how she had gotten here. Wherever here was.

She had clearly been unconscious for some time, the taste of sleep evident in her mouth. But for how long? Suddenly a realization crossed her mind; there had been no nightmares. It was the first time in months that she had awoken without the remnants of a nightmare of swimming in her vision.

Her thoughts were interrupted by muttering outside of the closed door that was located on the right side of her darkened room. Shepard focused all of her energy on making out the voices.

"Don't go in there." _Garrus._

"Why? She lied to me Garrus! She lied." _Liara._

"So talk to her when she wakes up. Let her sleep."

"She could have gotten hurt! Do you not realize this?" Shepard had never heard Liara this angry before. And directed towards her. It was terrifying. But she deserved every ounce of the anger.

"Of course I realize it."

"Then why did you not stop her? Why did you encourage her? And why would you lie to me in order to do so?"

"Because I didn't know! No one told me that this had gone on. Shepard had done so many things for me and never asked for anything in return. So when she asked me to go out for a drink with her and Joker I couldn't say no. If I had known about her condition I would have refused!"

There that word was again. Condition. It hurt her to hear herself described in such a way.

Suddenly she heard soft crying outside of the door. "I don't know what to do Garrus," the asari choked.

Shepard had hurt Liara. Suddenly her pain, both emotional and physical, became meaningless. She had to say something. Had to apologize. "Liara?" she called out, voice raspy.

There was only a moment in between her call and the motion of the door slamming open. Liara stood in the doorway, tears on her cheeks. But her expression wasn't one of anger. It was one of fury. "Shepard," she growled. "What have you done?"

"I'm sorry. It was a mistake!"

"What gave it away?" Liara's tone dripped with venom. "You lied! You could gotten hurt. Goddess knows what you've done to your medication."

"It's a onetime thing. That's it. It can't have done that much damage."

"And how do you know that?"

"Liara, will you just listen to me?"

"Why? So you can lie to me more? So you can make more excuses?"

"_Please,"_ Shepard pleaded, hoping the sincerity in her voice was evident. She was used to negotiating problems, not begging.

There was a moment of silence before the asari seemed to visibly deflate as her angry expression left her face. "I-I just don't understand how you can care so much for other people but neglect yourself."

The Commander had nothing to say to this. She bit her bottom lip and sighed. "Maybe I can't care for myself. Maybe I can't fight like you want me to."

Liara put a hand on her hip and raised her other to her forehead in exhaustion. "Shepard," she began. "If you don't matter to yourself then think about what this does to me. I can't keep both of us going."

"Wait, what do you mean?" Shepard asked, her voice beginning to sound panicked.

"I can't keep this relationship going by myself."

The panic came full-force now. "So you would leave me?"

"No! I mean, yes, maybe. I don't know. All I know is that I can't handle this."

"But Liara-"

"Shepard, I just need to be alone. I need to think."

With that Liara stood up off the bed and walked out of the room and shut the door behind her with enough force to rattle the windows of the hotel room. And she didn't look back once.

Shepard sat up, ignoring her pounding head and the waves of queasiness to put her face in her hands. As much as she hated to admit it, there was never a time that she had wanted a drink as she did at this moment.


	5. Chapter 5

If you stare at something unwaveringly for long enough, patterns start to emerge. It doesn't matter how plain the initial item is, a sort of image will begin to materialize. The longer you stare, the more complex that image becomes.

Shepard had been staring at the ceiling for days, watching those very patterns swirl in front of her vision. When she had first started watching, moments after Liara had stormed out, there were only basic shapes. Soon that had transformed before her eyes into a perfect likeness of her asari lover. The thin cracks became her crests and slim figure. The bumps became the freckles Shepard loved so much. For a moment she could even swear the image had Liara's blue skin.

The sound of her bedroom door opening tore Shepard away from the image on the ceiling. "I brought you some lunch," Tali said weakly, holding up a plate of food.

"Thanks," the Commander muttered as she accepted the plate with one hand. She took the hastily made sandwich off and was about to take a bite before noticing that Tali hadn't followed suit of her other friends who had brought her food the past two days and immediately left. The quarian was sticking around. "What do you want?" Shepard asked, wincing at the harshness of her tone.

Tali was thrown as well. "I-I just wanted to check on you. To see if you're okay."

"I'm fine."

"Can I sit?"

The marine placed her plate next to her and put her head in her hands and sighed. "If you want to go ahead. I'm not stopping you."

She heard the quarian move a pillow from the side of the bed and sit down.

"Shepard," Tali began. "What have you been doing for two days?"

"Sleeping mostly."

"Why?"  
Why was a good question. She was a warrior, a leader. Not someone who hid from the world. She had never chosen the easy path. Doing nothing seemed easy. But there was nothing simple or effortless about it. The best way she could think to describe it was that it felt like a war inside. A comparison that seemed inappropriate in the light of recent events but Shepard couldn't think of anything better. It was like there were two sides to her mind and they were locked in a bitter battle with one another. But how does one communicate that to someone.

The Commander shook her head "I can't explain it. I'm sorry."

"Try," Tali said gently, putting a hand on Shepard's shoulder.

"I can't."

"Shepard, everyone is really worried about you. They don't say it but I know that they do."

"Tali, I really don't want to talk."

The quarian stood and took the plate that once held the sandwich in her gloved hands. "Liara said as much. I just thought that maybe I could help. That maybe you would talk to me. But why would you talk to if you wouldn't talk to Liara? I just-"

Tali was starting to work herself into a sort of frenzy, her speech speeding up with every passing word. And Shepard had had enough. "Tali. Stop."

She turned her head back, glowing eyes focused on Shepard through her mask.

"I," The Commander started, clearing her throat. "I'll talk. Okay?"

"Can I sit?"

"I'm not going to stop you."

There was something unfamiliar about Shepard's voice that had been bothering Tali the entire time that they had been speaking. Her voice was off, wrong even. And she could not put her finger on it until that last sentence. Shepard sounded defeated. The usual strength in her voice had been ebbed away. It was frightening to say the least.

"You know, Liara didn't tell any of us. About…whatever this is. If that's what you're worried."

"She didn't?"

"No. Liara would never do that to you. Did you think she would?"

"Honestly?" Shepard began as she took the last bite of her meal. "I don't know anymore. I've never seen her act the way she did. So I didn't know what she would do."

"Shepard, you're going to have fill me in sometime here. What happened?"

She was never comfortable telling any part of her life story; from her youth on the streets of Earth to even the most current parts of her military life. No matter how much she worked to coax that very information out of her teammates, they quickly found that the same couldn't be done with their illustrious Commander.

But there wasn't a war any more. For the first time in Shepard's entire existence she wasn't fighting. For the first time, she had people that gave a damn about her.

And she had no idea to react to that.

"When I was in the hospital I was put on medication that I couldn't take with alcohol."

"Which I'm guessing you did."

"You guessed right."

"And that's why Liara was angry."

"Yeah."

Tali sighed, not one of disappoint or anger, but a sigh that indicated she regretted having to ask the question. "What is the medication for?"

It was then that Shepard realized that she would never be free of that question. It was only her second time answering it but already she felt like she had been answering it for an eternity.

But this was Tali. The quarian girl she had seen grow before her very eyes on the decks of the Normandy. And the question didn't come from curiosity but from genuine concern.

"I have PTSD." The shame in her voice was evident.

It was only moments after the sentence left her mouth that Shepard found herself enveloped in a hug that was surprisingly strong.

"Tali," the Commander choked.

"Yes Shepard?"

"You're crushing me. My ribs-"

The quarian pulled away abruptly. "Sorry! I'm sorry."

"It's fine," Shepard laughed, her voice stronger and more confident than it had been before. "I'm just still sore."

"I hear that cracking ribs will do that to you," Tali giggled. "What was the damage?"

"Six cracked and two broken."

"Ouch."

"You can say that again."

"Ouch."

Both women started laughing at the bad joke. As their laughter died down, Tali reached over and embraced Shepard again, though significantly gentler this time. "I know it's kind of well, unoriginal but I'm here for you. Okay?"

"Unoriginal works."

They were interrupted by a knock on the front of the open door. "Um, Commander?" Vega stood near the room opening. "Hackett is here. He says that he needs to see you."

Shepard instantly felt exhausted. "He needs me right now?"

Vega nodded. "He was pretty clear on that aspect. I didn't get the feel that it would involve fighting or anything fun like that though."

The quarian stood up and offered a hand to help Shepard up off the bed before turning to Vega. "Tell him that he can wait a few more minutes while she gets ready. Alright?"

"Can do. Just don't keep him waiting too long. The Admiral starts to look a little scary when he's forced to wait."

"Scary?"

"Well, scarier. Anyways, I'll go tell him."

He left the room quickly to deliver the message. "Can you shower by yourself or do you need help?"

"Been doing it alone by whole life."

"You know what I meant."

Shepard smiled, the motion beginning to feel a little more familiar. "I'll be fine. Thanks for your concern."

"I'll be waiting here. Go."

* * *

Shepard emerged from the bathroom feeling as though every bit of stress and anxiety had been washed down the drain. For the first time in weeks she felt relaxed. She was ready to take on anything; even Hackett.

"All cleaned up now?" Tali asked.

The Commander nodded, feeling the snugness of her clean clothes against her skin. She still wasn't used to the civvies. "Let's go see Hackett."

As the two made their way out the door, Shepard took the chance to look around at her surroundings for the first time. All other times she had gone throughout the hotel suite were a bit of a blur. Her room was situated at the end of a long hallway filled with doors that lead to other individual's rooms. The hallway opened up into a high-ceiling room containing a kitchen and living room. That room was mostly empty, save for Vega, Hackett, and Liara each sitting on a separate couch in the den.

Liara's eyes caught Shepard's. The asari started to open her mouth to say something but was quickly interrupted by Hackett who had caught the exchange between the couple. "I'm not interrupting anything, am I?" he asked. From anyone else that sentence would have come across as a light-hearted joke to break the tension. But from Hackett it was a serious statement.

Shepard shook her head. "No, you're fine. What is it that you want?"

"A speech."

"I'll have to say Hackett," Shepard said, her trademark smirk working its way on to her face for the first time in a very long time. "I'm not used to you requesting things from me that don't involve fostering galactic peace treaties or firing giant lasers at Reapers."

"This is a serious matter Shepard. The Alliance needs you speak at a memorial service being held for the fallen soldiers of humanity."

Her grin was instantly gone. A speech? She put her hands on the back of a chair and eased herself down, suddenly stricken by panic. But why? She had made hundreds of speeches, some in the midst of battle, others in the calm before the storm. Hell, she even made speeches to get Liara to hand over the television remote. But this was different.

She was the one who fought for this war. And though she knew how many billions would have died without it, the deaths of all of soldiers who had been sent in to protect the galaxy were still on her shoulders. Shepard remembered when she was a recruit, silently cursing those in command for sending in wave after wave of men and women for whatever cause they found necessary. And she had joined the ranks of those warmongers the moment she went to the council with news of the Reapers.

And that was only among humanity. She had chosen to destroy the reapers; her mission from the very beginning. But as a consequence, an entire species had perished along with countless AI's. Not to mention all of the members of other species that had died fighting for the very same war

Over and over she was faced with the fact that she couldn't save everybody. At least that's what she told herself. Maybe she had really chosen to destroy because that was the only way that she could survive. The only way she could see Liara again and give her those promised blue babies. In the end she was just another selfish individual hiding behind the guise of heroism.

"Shepard?" Hackett called out, pulling her back into reality. "Will you do it?"

It took considerable effort for push down her emotions. She couldn't let someone like Hackett see how weak she was. "Why me?"

The question confused the Admiral. "Why you? You're the hero of this entire war. There is no one that those people in the audience would rather see honoring their fallen friends and family then you. There is no one else I or anyone else in the brass would have there up representing Earth and the alliance then you."

Shepard stared into her lap, unable to speak. Seeing this, Liara took over. Admiral Hackett, when would this memorial service be?"

"It's not until Wednesday. So not for a few days. It would give her a chance to prepare a speech, get cleaned up."

"She'll do it."

Explosions of protest burst forth from both Tali and Shepard, the Commander's sound of confusion overlapping with Tali's objection.

There was a moment of silence before Hackett spoke up. "I'll take that as my cue to leave. I'll let the few of you have your discussion." He stood and started making his way towards the hotel room door before turning back for one final note. "And Shepard, I look forward to seeing you on Wednesday afternoon. I'll send you a message with more information."

The moment the door closed. Shepard exploded at Liara. "Why would you do that?"

"I was trying to help," Liara replied calmly.

"How was that helping? I can't go and give some speech in front of a bunch of grieving widows and parents."

"And why not?"

"Because-" Shepard's voice trailed off at the end of the word as she struggled to put her thoughts into words.

"I don't know Liara," Tali said, interrupting the quiet. "Is it really such a good idea for Shepard to be out in front of all those people. I mean, she hasn't been with a large group for a long time. Right?"

"True. But Hackett was completely right. There is no one else that loves Shepard more than a group of Alliance affiliated humans. It's not like she's going to speaking in front of a group of Batarians."

"I'm right here," Shepard interjected.

Liara turned from her conversation with Tali to hug the Commander. "Sorry sweetie. But it will be good for you. Think about it. All those people cheering for you."

"I know that I would be honored to be one of those people in the crowd listening to your speech," James said. "Y'know, if I didn't hear them all the time."

Shepard relaxed into Liara's embrace. "I'll help you write the speech," the asari was saying. "You're good at speeches. It will be no problem at all."

"No problem at all," Shepard repeated.


	6. Chapter 6

"Will you hold still? I'm almost done," Liara muttered as she adjusted the collar of Shepard's dress blues. The uniform had arrived that morning, freshly pressed and laden with heavy new medals.

"Liara, it's fine. Just leave it." Shepard groaned though she secretly enjoying the attention.

"There." the asari announced, backing up and admiring the uniformed woman before her.

"How do I look?"

"Gorgeous," said Liara as she moved to give Shepard a kiss on the forehead, smoothing the Commander's hair back. "Do you have your speech memorized?"

Shepard gave a nod. "All up here," she said she pointed to her head.

"Good. And I will be sitting in the audience the whole time, okay?"

Shepard's response was cut short by a knock on the door leading into their room. The door opened and Garrus poked his head in. "Taxi's here to pick the two of you up." He glanced at Shepard, taking in her uniform. "Wow. You look nice for a change."

"Save it Vakarian." Shepard shot back, grinning widely.

"Are you coming to the ceremony with us?" Liara asked.

Garrus guffawed. "To an Alliance ceremony full of First Contact War veterans? Please. I'm surprised enough that Liara is going. You'll be a little out of place.

"I'm going to support Shepard. I don't care that I'll be the only non-human there."

This got a smile out of the turian. "You're a good girlfriend, you know that?"

Liara smiled knowingly. "Come on," she said, turning her attention to the Commander. "We don't want to keep the taxi waiting much longer."

"Good luck!" Garrus called as the couple made their way out of the hotel room and into the taxi.

"I'll be needing it," Shepard murmured under her breath, her mask of confidence fading away as she slipped out of view.

The taxi pulled up amongst heavy traffic to the front door of the auditorium where the ceremony was slated to be held. Crowds of Alliance soldiers were exiting from their hover cars and taxis and making their way into building. The chaos of the crowd took a form of order the second Shepard emerged from the backseat of her own vehicle, standing at attention and saluting the Commander.

"Been a long time since I've experienced this," Shepard whispered to Liara, as she nodded to the saluting crowd.

"It's a strange experience," Liara returned.

"You don't know the half of it."

The crowd suddenly began to part as the figure of Admiral Hackett made his way towards the Commander. She quickly moved to salute him. Hackett gave a nod of acknowledgement and offered his hand to Liara. The asari took and shook it.

"It's good to see you Admiral." Liara said.

"You as well, Liara," said Hackett before turning to address Shepard. "You're the primary speaker for this event. I decided that an introductory speech would be unnecessary. Once everybody is seated you'll be brought out to give your speech. Then we'll present some medals and dedicate the ceremony to some of the fallen veterans. And that will be the end. That crowd is excited to see you, Shepard. Like I told you, you're a hero to these people. This whole thing will be simple."

Two men approached from the mass of soldiers behind Hackett. They gave Shepard a quick salute. "Shepard, this is Sergeant Moore," The brown-haired man on the left nodded. "And Corporal Frost." The other, a slim man, slightly younger than the first also gave a sign of acknowledgement. "They're here to take you backstage. Liara, I'll take you to sit with me in the front row."

Liara thanked the Admiral before leaning in to give Shepard a peck on the lips and took the Commander's hands in her own. "You will do wonderfully, Shepard. Best of luck."

A wide smile crossed Shepard's face as she squeezed the asari's hands. "Thanks Liara." As the couple dropped each other's hand, she swore she heard one of the men mutter "Lucky" under his breath. She chuckled.

The two groups separated as Shepard followed the young soldiers into the building, past the members of the crowd beginning to take their seats in the large auditorium and through a door that lead them directly behind the curtains on the stage where the presentation would take place.

"Do you need anything, Commander?" Moore asked.

"Just water."

As Moore busied himself with the water glasses, Shepard took a seat in one of the set up folding chairs. She mentally began running over her speech in her head, putting all of her concentration into the task.

"Um, excuse me Commander." She looked up to see the other man, Frost, standing above her. "I know this is incredibly unprofessional of me but my daughter absolutely idolizes you and it would mean so much to her if you could-"

"Sign something?" She smiled. "Of course. How old is your daughter?"

Frost looked surprised that she would agree, "She's, uh, she's 6," he stammered, reaching into his pocket and pulled out a piece of white paper and a pen and handed it to her.

Moore returned with a glass of ice water. "What are you doing, Frost?" he hissed. "You know that we're not supposed to be asking her for anything."

"It's fine," Shepard said as she signed her name. "I won't tell. I hope she enjoys it." She handed the autograph back and took the glass of water. As she did so, something in the corner caught her eye. "What's that?"

Frost bent down to examine the object. "It's some sort of gift basket for you. Looks like there's a bag of coffee beans from Earth, some cheeses, and, wow, a bottle of Noverian Rum!"

Shepard was impressed but she knew that she would have to get rid of the bottle of rum later in order to keep her promise to Liara and the doctor. "The military really goes all out on stuff like this."

"Apparently."

She quickly moved to change the subject. "How long until I go on?"

Moore slightly pulled back the curtain and glanced out at the audience. "Right about now. It looks like everyone is seated."

She took a big drink of water before standing up and passing her glass off. "Let's do this." The curtain was pulled back as she was escorted onto the stage and brought to the podium situated in the center. As she approached, the crowd stood, the military men and women saluting, the civilians applauding. Shepard moved to adjust the microphone stand attached to the podium. She took a deep breath to center herself and glanced down to see Liara giving her a smile from the front row. That was all she needed to coerce her into speaking.

"Good afternoon," she began. "I was asked to be the one to speak to you today in the first ceremony that is being held in honor those who fell fighting for the Alliance in the war against the Reapers. I was asked to do so because I was told how significant of a part I played in the outcome of the war. But it wasn't me that led to the positive end to this war. It was every brave man and woman who were willing to leave their loved ones behind to go to the ends of the galaxy to fight against an enemy that they had only heard of. It was because all of these soldier's willingness to lay their lives on the line and sacrifice them in order to protect humanity."

Shepard paused briefly to take a breath but she had yet to begin speaking again before a voice rang from the back of the room. "Traitor." All heads in the auditorium craned back to see who had spoken.

"Excuse me?" Shepard asked, her voice caught somewhere between confusion and anger. The figure of a woman stood up in the back. She was older and dressed in civilian clothes.

"I said you're a traitor," the woman called, making her way into the aisle as she said so. "You claim that everything you did, this entire war, was to protect humanity. But in the end, who died? The Reapers, of course. But how many humans died in that war? How many humans like my son who had never even seen Earth?"

There was absolute silence from the crowd. They were in such a state of confusion that no one had moved a muscle to help defend Shepard.

The woman continued her rant. "My son volunteered for the Alliance after seeing all of your damn speeches on the Alliance News Network. He got it into his head that it was his duty as a human to help defend Earth from the Reapers. He had never seen Earth. Our family has lived on Elysium since it was founded, before he was even born. So he enlisted all the while praising the great Commander Shepard. He would talk non-stop about you and saving humanity and all that, that nonsense. And what does he get for it? A trip home in a body bag. He was hit with one of those thing's lasers while he was fighting in London."

The woman was half way to the stage and was visibly crying. Still the crowd did nothing. "How many people have died because of you Commander? Does it even affect you? Do you even give them a passing thought or do you just go on with your life being worshiped by people like those here?" The woman stopped her rant for just a moment to wait for a reaction from Shepard.

"I…"

"You what?" the woman spat.

Shepard gulped, trying to compose herself. The words hit hard. She had always known that young soldiers had died for her war. She had seen that with her own two eyes, seen them fall right in front of her. But for some reason this hurt. She was embarrassed, ashamed, and absolutely disgusted in herself. The woman was right. How many people had died because of her?

"I think you're completely right," she managed to choke out.

The woman had not been expecting this response and was stunned into silence. It was then that a marine in the crowd finally spoke up. "Leave Shepard alone, you bitch," he cried. That was the catalyst. The room erupted into chaos. There was shouting and screaming, the previously displayed order was completely gone. Everyone was moving from their seats, either trying to leave or apprehend the woman who had accosted Shepard.

She frantically scanned the room for Liara, looking for a spot of blue in the sea of humans. Finally she spotted the asari who was trapped in the center of a large, rapidly moving group. "Shepard!" the asari called, waving her arms to try to draw attention to her small figure.

"I see you," Shepard shouted back. "Meet me backstage!"

"Alright," Liara bellowed, trying as hard as she could to make her voice heard over the sound of the near-riot. Admiral Hackett was currently trying to restore order nearby but his authority was having minimal effect.

Shepard was able to run off behind the curtains before breaking down. She collapsed into the chair, drawing her knees up and hugging them in a childlike pose and put her head on the top of her knees and squeezed her eyes shut as tightly as she possibly could, trying to calm herself down. She breathed out deeply and lifted her head. As she did so, her eyes snapped to a familiar object; the gift basket. Leaving the chair, Shepard approached the basket and bent down to inspect it. She tore off the clear plastic wrapping and reached past all the other items to grab the bottle of Novarian Rum.

The second her hand made contact with the bottle Shepard knew two things; one, she had never wanted something so badly in her entire life. And two, she needed to get away from this place and everyone that she knew.


	7. Chapter 7

It was easy enough for Shepard to escape from the auditorium with the chaos contained inside and find her way into one of the nearby waiting taxis. With the bottle of Noverian Rum clutched tightly in her arms, she was grateful for the layout of the taxi. This particular vehicle was one of the newer, but increasingly popular privacy models that were built without any sort of separator window between the driver and the passenger. Only a small speaker in the back connected the two. That very same speaker crackled the life the moment Shepard had settled in her seat.

"Where to?" the driver asked, his deep, rough voice identifying him as a Turian.

"What's the farthest you can get from here on…?" She paused to reach into her pocket to pull out her wallet. An irritated sigh burst forth from the Commander when she saw how little remained on her credit chit. "50 credits?" Exactly half of what she had on her chit.

"I can't get you very far on that," the driver said apologetically. "I'll take as many back roads as I can. That should get you a little farther than just following the main roads would."

"Thanks," Shepard replied. "I appreciate it." The hover car lurched to a start and quickly began to speed through the open space between the buildings that was designated as the road. The driver was not a hesitant one though, as he moved rapidly from lane to lane in order to stay ahead of the other drivers. A driving style that reminded her much of her own.

The speaker made another crackling noise as the driver began to speak again. "So where do you plan to go once we reach 'the farthest you can get from here.' Is there a place I should be looking for to drop you off at?"

She went with the first place that popped into her head, a place where she could be alone. "A hotel."

"For 50 credits? Lady, you're not going to get a very nice place for that much. You sure you don't have any more?"

"That's all I have. I don't care if the place is a dump."

"Alright then. Were you in there listening to Commander Shepard speak?"

Shepard was both surprised and incredibly relieved that the driver didn't recognize her. But the speaking engagement was the last thing she wanted to talk about right now. "I, uh, didn't get to see her. I wasn't feeling that well so I decided to leave early."

"That's a shame. You know it's funny. A lot of my species don't like humans that much but they sure as hell respect that woman. She's a hell of a hero. Wish we had a Turian like her."

Shepard's eyes dropped to her lap as she rolled the bottle of rum in her hands. It was an odd experience to hear herself described in this manner. As she reflected on this odd situation, she felt the hover car grind to a halt. "Here it is," the driver said. "One of the cheapest motels on Illium; The Blue Rose."

"Sounds nice."

"It isn't."

She heard a beeping noise coming from the speaker before a panel with a chit slot in it revealed itself in front of her. She slid her card into the slot and left it there until the panel gave a beep. When she pulled it out she watched the numbers on the front of the chit change from 100 to 50.

"Thank you, uh, Commander Shepard?" Shit. She had forgotten about the identifier on the card. The driver sounded excited. "I'm so sorry. I didn't realize it was you. I-"

"Just forget that I was here." she grumbled as she exited the cab, holding onto the bottle of rum as she slammed the car door behind her. She was sick of recognition. And how stupid of her to think that she had some amount of anonymity left. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

She looked up at The Blue Rose. It was a dump. Peeling paint on the walls, broken windows, and scattered cigarettes lay everywhere in front of the entrance. Shepard gave an exhausted sigh and entered the building, bottle swinging from her right hand.

The inside was in the same state of disorder. A different shade of peeling paint coated the walls but otherwise the room was bare, save for a desk in the middle under a flickering light. A dark blue asari sat behind the desk, looking bored. As Shepard closed the door behind her, the asari sat up in attention. "Welcome to The Blue Rose," she called out.

"One room please," Shepard said.

The asari nodded. "That'll be 50 credits." As Shepard handed over her chit, the asari spoke up again. She noticed the surprise in the attendant's eyes over her name so the question the followed surprised her. "What name should I put you under?"

"Put me down as unlisted."

Again the asari nodded. Apparently this was a common thing at an establishment like this one. She reached down into a drawer in her desk and pulled out a keycard. "Here you are. The room is on the right and down the hall at the very end."

The marine nodded in acknowledgement and took the keycard with her unoccupied left hand. She entered the hallway on the right and began her descent down the hall to her room at the end. As she walked, Shepard noticed that her hands had begun to shake in anticipation of finally getting that drink. She had never felt such a feeling of anticipation when it had come to drinking but perhaps the combination of her five days sober and the event that had just transpired would make the alcohol taste all the better.

Most of the rooms she passed by were silent. A few had odd chemical smells emitting from them while others produced sounds, moans and groans that made Shepard hurry past even faster. Eventually she reached her hotel room; Room 183. Fumbling for the keycard, she held it up to the scanner above the door handle and waited a moment for the code on the back of the card to scan. The door unlocked with a loud thumping noise and swung open to reveal her temporary living arrangements. Water stained wallpaper that was coming loose occupied the walls. The room was sparsely furnished with only a Queen sized bed in the middle with an end table on the left side. On top of the table sat a lamp, turned on but shadeless.

Shepard entered the room, turning briefly to shut and lock the door behind her. She took off the jacket of her dress blues and laid it over the blankets on the bed that were stained with god knows what. Sitting on the jacket, she knelt and uncapped the bottle, placing the cap on the side table. She titled the bottle up and took a big swig, savoring the sugary taste and the burn from the alcohol. Delicious. She immediately took another. And another.

* * *

"Where is she?" Liara demanded from the two soldiers she had cornered backstage.

"We have no idea," Moore said. "We came back here to find her after the crowd started going crazy but she was already gone. "

Liara felt herself quickly growing hysterical and though she tried her best to calm the rising tide of emotion, some panic managed to seep out into her voice. "How could she be gone? Wasn't it your job to watch her? How could you let her out your sight?"

"Ma'am," Frost started. "We're sorry. It's just that in all of the chaos she managed to get away from us."

The asari passed a hand in front of her face and breathed deeply. "I know," she said, her voice significantly calmer. "It's not your fault. I apologize for yelling at the two of you."

"We understand ma'am," Moore said. "Honestly, I think both of us would be much louder and angrier then you are if something like this happened to one of our loved ones."

Liara was about to open her mouth in response when she noticed an object lying on the floor. "What's that?"

"It is, well was, a gift basket for the Commander. A gift from the higher ups."

She bent down to inspect it. "It looks like it was torn apart. What's missing from here?"

Frost crouched next to Liara to look over the basket. "If I remember correctly," he said "there was a bottle of Noverian Rum in here. Looks like someone took it."

"Shit."

Liara surprised herself with her own uttering of a curse word, and a human one at that. But there had never been a more appropriate time for her to use it. Shepard had taken the bottle of alcohol and gone, goddess knows where, in order to cope with the events that had transpired. She stood up and activated her Omni-tool. It rang and rang until finally a miniature, holographic figure of Tali appeared.

"Hi Liara," the figure said. "How did the speech go?"

"Horribly. Listen Tali, do you know how to use my consoles?"

"Your Shadow Broker consoles? No, but I'm sure I could figure it out. What do you need?"

"I need you to pull up the tracking data for Shepard's credit chit to see if she's made any purchases. I would do it but I don't have the capabilities on my Omni-tool." She pressed a few buttons in order to pull up the file that container the chit number. "The number is 8235-4825-9283-2831"

"Got it," Tali replied. Liara could see the figure walking for a few seconds. She used those seconds to try to continue calming herself. Eventually the figure of Tali sat down at Liara's consoles.

"Now what do I do?" Tali asked.

"Activate the central console," Liara commanded. "You'll get to a display with several icons on it. Select the one on the far right and enter the number on the prompt screen." She watched the hologram Tali follow her instructions.

"Got it. It's pulling up the tracking information."

"What does it say?"

"I'm getting two results; one for a taxi company and the other for something called The Blue Rose. Do you know what that is?"

Liara did. The hotel was popular with the sort of criminals and low-lifes that it was her job to track during her time as an information broker on Illium. "I'm familiar with it. Grab Garrus and go to the address that's listed. I'll meet you there."

* * *

When Liara arrived at the hotel, Tali and Garrus were already at the front desk, arguing with the attendant. "I'm sorry but there is no one under that name at this establishment," she was saying.

"But there has to be," Tali shot back.

"Miss, with all due respect I think I would remember is someone as famous as Commander Shepard came in here."

Tali began to speak again before Garrus cut her off. "Fine. We'll find some other way in." He turned upon seeing Liara enter. "Liara!"

"No success getting in, I take it?"

"No," Tali pouted. "This bosh'tet won't give us Shepard's room number."

"She must have checked in as unlisted," Liara noted. "If you do that than any hotel staff is obliged not to give out your information."

At that moment, a distant crash was heard, followed by hysterical laughter. It sounded far too familiar to disregard and seemed to be coming from a room at the far end of the right hallway. Liara began walking down it, going towards the sound.

"You can't go down there!" the attendant called after her, making her way out from behind the desk.

Liara spun around to face her and saw Tali and Garrus looking at her, demanding some sort of explanation. "It's Shepard," she said. "I know it is. You have to trust me."

Garrus gave a nod and pushed past the asari attendant, Tali following behind. The three made their way down the hallway, increasing their speed from a walk into a run as they ignored the attendant's threats to call the police. When they reached the door, Liara reached out and banged on it with her fist. There was no response.

"What do we do?"

"Only one thing to do," Liara responded as her biotics flared to life.


	8. Chapter 8

The blue light of Liara's biotics swirled around her fists as they grew in power. The size of the glowing mass grew to match the intensity behind them. Soon the tension behind the blue forms reached the level of strength that Liara needed and they were released, smashing into the door in front of their creator. The door buckled under the ferocity of the biotics and fell away from its hinges, leaving an open entryway into the hotel room.

"You'll be paying for that," shrieked the asari hotel attendant from down the hall.

Liara ignored the comment and pushed past the broken door. She barely made it a few feet into the room before her right foot made contact with a glass bottle. The force from the kick sent the bottle rolling. It rolled across the dirty carpeting until it hit a solid mass at the foot of the bed. Liara squinted to make out the shape in the light of the uncovered lamp. As her eyes gradually adjusted, the shape revealed itself to be Shepard. She was completely disheveled from head to toe. Her hair was a tangled mess and her clothes were covered in stains from where her drink had spilled out of her mouth. Her mascara was smudged and some of it had run down her cheeks and was mixed with dried tears.

The asari crouched down and moved the bottle aside. It was completely drained. She moved forward to check on Shepard's condition. The woman was asleep but it was far from sound as she made noises full of incoherent mumbling and grunting in her sleep. Liara wondered if Shepard had been sleeping when she had let loose the stream of hysterical laughter.

Now that she knew the Commander's condition was at least stable, she turned, still crouching, to Garrus and Tali behind her. "Garrus, help me get her out of here. And Tali, can you call for a taxi?"

"I told the one we took here to wait for us outside," she replied.

"Smart girl," Garrus commented, a touch of adoration evident in his voice for a moment before he turned his attention back to Shepard. "Uh, sorry. What do you want me to do?"

"Help me get her standing up. I doubt she'll be able to walk so we'll each take an arm over the shoulder and get her out that way."

"Sounds good." He bent down next to Liara on the other side of Shepard and started to take her arm. His actions were interrupted when she groaned and swatted his hand away with one big sweeping movement. "Shepard," he growled. "You're not making this easy."

"Leave me alone," Shepard slurred angrily as she tried to move away.

Liara grabbed ahold of the struggling woman's wrist. "No. Not again. Never again." She pulled Shepard to her feet with some assistance from Garrus. Following Liara's plan, each took one took one of Shepard's arms and slung it over their respective shoulders amidst her murmured and incoherent protests. They made their way out of the hotel room and down the hallway where they were stopped in the lobby by a hysterical hotel attendant.

"You need to pay," she commanded. "My boss is going to have my head if he comes in and sees that the room has been damaged like this. I-"

Tali cut the asari's demand short with a disgruntled sigh and produced a pre-paid credit chit from a small bag that was attached to the belt at her waist. "Keep the change," she said as she placed the chit in the attendant's outstretched hand.

"Well that solves one problem," Garrus muttered as the trio exited the lobby and went out through the front doors. Their vision was blinded for split second when the surrounding area suddenly lit up with brilliant lights, rapidly flashing.

"What the-?" Tali started.

"Cameras!" Liara cried. Shepard had been a popular figure in the media for years now but she had really become a sensation in press after the war against the Reapers had ended. Especially when the media had discovered that there was an angle of romance that they could play up. Liara tried to do everything in her power with her contacts to remove any information that they possessed for sensational purposes before it could be published. Tabloid features were the last thing Shepard needed to see. But no one could have seen this one coming. It wouldn't be good. "Someone must have called them."

"The hotel desk clerk?" Garrus called out, trying to be heard over the reporters shouting questions and the clicking and whirring of the cameras.

"She never took her eyes off of us," Liara shouted back. "It must have been the driver who dropped her off here."

"Bastard," grumbled Garrus.

Liara gave a nod in response then turned to Tali, trying not to struggle under the seemingly increasing weight of Shepard. "Can you take care of these?" she asked.

Tali was already activating her Omni-tool to summon Chikktika. "On it," she called. The purple drone materialized in front of her before speeding off to take its place behind the distracted reporters. It hovered as the quarian rapidly entered commands into her tool. An array of sparks erupted from the front of each of the cameras, the lights suddenly cutting out. The chaos turned from being directed at Shepard to the equipment.

Liara seized the opportunity. "Move!" she ordered. The taxi was parked just beyond the crowd. She and Garrus dragged Shepard past them with Tali following behind, controlling the drone as she ran. Some members of the swarm of reporters were still distracted by their now faulty gear but others looked up in time to see their target go right past them. Tali moved ahead to open the backseat door and slid in and helped pull Shepard in next to her. Liara and Garrus got into the backseat soon after, squeezing in as best as they could. Garrus slammed the door shut.

The speaker crackled to life. "Where to?"

Liara quickly rattled off the address of the hotel and the taxi lurched to life. Gagging sounds emitted from Shepard. "Do not throw up on me," Tali ordered. Shepard groaned and moved her head to Liara's shoulder.

"Do you have any bags?" Liara asked, directing her question to the speaker.

A panel towards the bottom of the right door opened, displaying a container holding a package of plastic bags. Liara grabbed one from the top of the pile and opened it. She moved Shepard so that she was leaning forward and put the bag down by the human woman's face. Then she moved her hand to Shepard's back and began to rub small, soft circles.

The backseat was completely quiet, save for an occasional noise from Shepard followed immediately by soothing sounds from Liara. Finally Garrus spoke up. "Are you mad at her?"

Liara looked up at him and gave a sigh. "To be completely truthful I have no idea what I'm feeling. Or how I'm supposed to feel."

"What do you mean?" the turian responded.

"It's just-" she sighed. "Am I supposed to be angry that she violated her promise to me? Or should I be understanding because of the situation that she's been through? I don't know what to feel or how to react and I feel like I should. It should be obvious. In this relationship, at least for right now, I need to be the one who knows what to do. But I don't and it's terrifying." She took a shuddering intake of breath, trying to calm herself down.

For a moment Garrus seemed to ignore her; his attention was fixed on Tali who had fallen asleep next to Shepard, exhausted by the night's events. But soon enough he spoke up. "You're not supposed to know what to do all the time, Liara. And I know that scares you because you're, well, you. But you have an advantage over all the other clueless people in this universe."

"What is that?" she asked.

"You have us. You have a huge group of equally clueless people that are here to help in whatever way you need. Anything at all. You can call any of us and we'll be there, okay?"

The asari smiled gently. "Okay. Garrus?"

"Yeah?"

"Can you help me get her inside when we get home?"

He nodded and his mandibles twitched into a smile. "Always."


End file.
